Comfort

I am finding so much comfort in Silence and studying the Word. Our house has been anything but silent, but this abiding in the lap of the Lord has been my peace. I don't have much to say as of late, but I hope to have something to share here soon. I want to tell some of the stories of what has been happening day to day here in our home, but I just don't feel ready yet. But I have been thinking of pseudonyms to use for the kiddies... My oldest son is Mr. Diva (22), my second son Taz (20), my baby son is Crochety Ol Man (19), and my baby girl is the Singing Socialite (17). Hahahahaha just seeing those names makes me laugh. :) Oooh I forgot my daughter in law... Miss Tough (21) and my grand-daughter is Taz Jr. (1). Oh yeah, I can see it now... hahahahaha :)

Trying doing

Tryin times today. Tests of my strength to stand up for what is true and right.

Wow has it been over a week...

I had not realized that it has been that long since I've posted. I felt I needed to take some time and let everything settle in and get a little calmer. It has been a trying and good week. I have been throwing away so much old stuff that I have been hanging onto just for fear of throwing away. Old letters and papers, clothes, books... It has been really good. This is really a big thing , or at least I thought it was a big thing. There is so much old baggage that I have held onto that needs to be thrown away! So many memories and hurts tied to old relationships and long ago events. But I know I cannot let fear rob me of happiness. So toss, toss, toss!

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Yesterday it was a pretty wild day around here... arguments, yelling, general craziness... but it opened my eyes to how I act or react to things. I realized that as long as I believe I am incompetent so will others. I am competent, very competent. But I have let people and their negative feelings and actions toward me color who I thought I was. I am so happy the Lord is beside me and telling me that I am His child and he has created me just as I was meant to be, for good or for my flaws, it is all me wrapped around the Love he has put in me. I am standing taller these days. :)

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My granddaughter and her beautiful mother have come to visit us for 3 weeks. They arrived late last night and I am so happy. Lil miss has gotten so big and friendly! :)

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The devotions I subscribed to are so enriching. I have not read all of them, cuz I went a little crazy and signed up for all of them (about 10, I think), but the ones I have read... wow... they are right on.

Here is a devotion that was sent on 10/10:

Be Who You Are

1 CORINTHIANS 15:10 NIV
10 But by the grace of God I am what I am....

ROMANS 12:2  Wuest, An Expanded Translation
2 And stop assuming an outward expression that does not come
from within you and is not representative of what you are in
your inner being but is patterned after this age; but change
your outward expression to one that comes from within and is
representative of your inner being, by the renewing of your
mind, resulting in your putting to the test what is the will of
God, the good and well-pleasing and complete will, and having
found that it meets specifications, place your approval upon it.

God is a brilliant Creator. He only makes originals -- not
copies. According to Ephesians 2:10, you are God's work of
art.

God made you unique. So be all that God created you to be.

Don't try to be someone else. Don't try to be an ear in the
Body of Christ, if God made you a foot. Just be yourself.

This does not mean that you cannot improve, or grow. Growth is
part of God's plan. And we can certainly learn from others, and
imitate excellent actions and attitudes.

But too many people are insecure and hope to gain acceptance
from others by conforming to what they think will make them
popular or successful -- even though they hate it and know they
are not being real.

ROMANS 12:2 Phillips
2 Don't let the world around you squeeze you into its own
mould....

Don't let the world pressure you into conforming.

Express the originality that God put within you. God made you
the way you are for a purpose -- His purpose.

This is not to encourage rebellion, of course. But it is not
God's plan for us all to be identical and do everything in the
same way.

I am not saying you have to try to be different. Just be who
God made you -- without fear.

Not everyone may like you, or what you do. But that is normal.
You can't always please everyone. Make it your aim to please
God by expressing what He made you.

ROMANS 12:2 NLT
2 Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let
God transform you into a new person by changing the way you
think. Then you will know what God wants you to do, and you
will know how good and pleasing and perfect his will really is.

The Bible reveals many truths about who we are once we receive
Jesus Christ. We actually receive new life, a new standing with
God, and new ability. As you feed the Word of God into your
thinking, that new life will be able to manifest  more and
more.

SAY THIS: I am what I am by the grace of God. I will be what
God made me and fulfil His plan for me.

From http://adevotion.org/

Inspirations

I came across some wonderful inspirations/Bible verses by way of some the Monday Meandering ladies.

1 John 2:4 (King James Version)
4He that saith, I know him, and keepeth not his commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him.
@Jenn's Nook

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matt 6:34
&
Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good spirit lead me on level ground. Ps 143:10
@Tonsofsons

I was also really touched by the devotions at the links Tiany put up. I love their simplicity. I signed up for all of them. :) I think these may be the one's to get me started on my daily devotions from MM List. I am also adding them to my sidebar.

Self Esteem

[note: If you came here from Monday Meanderings at Tiany's, I accidentally linked to the wrong post... My Monday Meandering Post is here.]


My cousin is here visiting from the Bahamas this week. I am so happy to get the opportunity to see her as I have not seen her for about 10 years. Usually when family visits, something strange happens to me. I usually end up acting as someone other than myself. And after they leave, I usually feel sick in the pit of my stomach and start analyzing the whole situation, and end up beating myself for a while and then repress the whole event. Well this time, I am very happy that I am FULLY aware that this has been happening. So I just stuck with being myself. And I was able to see alot of things. I was able to see exactly where the bad feelings come from. They come from the interaction between my lil sis and me in relation to the visiting family. And from what I can now gather, it stems from issues of who is better... who is skinnier, who has more money, who has a better job, who's children are doing better. Craziness.

Well I still am feeling bad, but not as bad. My sister made little comments to me about my weight in front of our cousin and her friends that would have usually sent me spinning out of control, but this time I just shrugged my shoulders, because I did not know what to say. (She asked me how much I weight in front of everybody and then when I answered, looked at me as if I was lying, because my cousin and I weigh pretty much the same, but I guess don't look like it) Then when she would share stories about her babies we would all laugh, but when I shared stories about my children, my cousin and I would be laughing, but when I would look at my sister she would be looking at me with raised eyebrows not laughing. Wow, I am really glad I am writing this, because the bad feeling in the pit of my stomach is going away as I type. This morning I woke up feeling like crying and feeling bad about myself and it was all from this. Wow.

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I have been praying about an issue I have. Ummm it's kind of hard to really put my finger on, but I guess it could generally be called depression. So yesterday, I felt a really strong desire to call my dad, but I looked at the time and saw he was probably in church at that moment. And I also thought why, because I would probably end up getting off the phone feeling bad. I started to cry at that thought. But I brushed it off and just kept going about my daily business. I pretty much never watch "Christian" TV, but I thought I would give it a go. I ended up catching a sermon entitled "I want my daddy". (Wow, eh?) The preacher spoke on how a troubled relationship with a father affects so many aspects of one's life and colors one's perspective on God (not trusting, not believing). And he gave me food for thought on how to be able to truly let all the hurts and wounds carried around me for 30+ years go, and that God can fulfill all the needs I have put on my father, as he (my dad) is emotionally incapable to meet them. Thank you Lord. :)

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Now onto my Monday Meanderings...

What's Really Goin On?

This anger I have been feeling for the past several days, I sincerely wanted to know where it was coming from. I did not want to have a beer and numb it away, so I didn't. I just told the kids and my friends that I was feeling grumpy and grouchy and to excuse me for anything I might say or do that may be uncalled for. Late last night I heard the word "rebellion". It has been my hardheadedness, stubbornness, my black and white extremist vision... I have so many questions about things. Things concerning the Bible and life. When I read the Bible, sometimes I just feel frustration, because I am not liking what I read. But I vow that this time, I will not just get angry and act out. Last night I prayed that God would give me the answers to the questions I have. I did however first indulge in my tendency to find out for myself. So of course I started hunting around on the internet. More frustration. I even decided to type in a "minister" that I use to look to for guidance, Juanita Bynum. As a matter of fact, her along with others (T.D. Jakes, Bishop Paul Morton, Eddie Long and more) were part of the reason I just gave up on what I took as Christianity at the time. There was a news story about her and her husband divorcing and that he beat and choked her in a parking lot. I would like to say I was amazed, but not really. And what I read that folks were saying about the whole incident, that it was a set up so that she could go on to add another "ministry" (domestic abuse) to her repertoire, it made sense. So I ended up reading about the rest of these "ministers" and saw so many things that I was not able to know when I left that whole thing alone 10 years ago. I am not happy that all that went on and is still going on, but I am happy that I had the common sense to leave. So after really seeing that looking to "man" is not the way, I knew that the answers would come directly to my heart and that I just need to wait and listen.

Also I really need to get a KJV Bible like I used to have when I was young. Right now I have a TD Jakes "Woman Thou Art Loosed" Bible and I would just like one that is just the words of the Bible, nothing else.

I found this verse this morning:

Hebrews 3:15

"while it is said:

"Today, if you will hear His voice,
Do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion."

Try again today

Yesterday was a bust as far as working on the to do list... but victorious on catchin up on sleep. :) After talking to my friend Mone, I told myself I was going to read a little and next thing I know, it was 8:30p. I got up disoriented and started to make a late late dinner of chicken enchiladas. Ate and promptly went back to sleep. People were having street races up down the street in front of our apartments last night. I kept waking up startled out of my sleep, not able to discern what the loud horrible screeching noises were. I believe they got into my dreams and made for some crazy funky ones. This morn I awoke with a funny feeling in my stomach. But it's a beautiful day outside and I am going to fling open all the windows and open the blinds and let the outside come in. :)

I was talking to my little sis late last night about things that are going on in her new relationship with her very first love. They recently reunited. And it got me to thinking how I view men. I view them as formidable opponents that I have to out think and be 3 steps ahead of, at least at first. Then when I decide they are worthy opponents, I just give up and turn into ditsy dummy. Everything just shuts down. All my thinking faculties, my common sense. I can see why I do this now. If I love a person (I equate love with some type of warfare and who I love has to be a warrior), I am afraid to see any of their faults. This has more to do with me than with them, I believe. If I see any faults it means I picked wrong. And that is something I could not even fathom considering. So I turn my brain off, so I won't see them. But of course I do, and this sends me down a road of denial that I have a hard time getting off of. But now... I have submitted to God first. And He is my Father and now I don't have to worry about doing any of that anymore. I now see that who I pick for my life is bound to be an not-whole person, because of my limited thinking and past experiences. And God has also fulfilled the needs I perceived my mate would fulfill... a shoulder to lean, someone to hear my troubles, someone to prop me up and encourage me in the hard times, someone to wipe my tears, someone to Love me no matter what. Also what I have always wanted in a father, but my father was unable to provide because of his own emotional scars. But now I can sincerely pray for my father without a hidden anger or resentment. It is funny, I always forget my father is a pastor of a church. And I get rather jealous that he is able to help others and not his own children. He is currently building a homeless shelter, community center and church in his hometown. Well now I can just pray about the whole thing and give it to God.

Playing Catch Up :)

I did get some one :) thing accomplished from the Monday Meandering "Must Do" List... I started on updating my Organization Folder. I removed a lot of the clutter and scaled it down a bit. Tonight I will start with my before-bed-routine again. As I sit on here right now, I am not dressed... still in my nightgown. Will start that tomorrow. The Zones... wow... I think I was being a little optimistic in thinking of getting all of that accomplished, but you never know... that may be the "tiredness" talking. I am going to start with the kitchen cabinets this afternoon. And if it goes smoothly (cuz they have really been neglected), I will start the bathroom cabinet this evening or tomorrow morning. Organizing the kids personal stuff may have to wait till the weekend.

When I woke up this morn, I rediscovered the Animal Planet Channel's Sunrise Earth. That program is such a nice thing to have on the TV in the morning. Even if I am not looking at the TV, the sounds of the outdoors are soothing and a welcome reminder of nature.

If I have time, I think I am going to finish up a dress I started making several months ago. Just the hem and the buttons are left to be done. And continue working on my godson's quilt for his son.

Time to get to work...

Hectic, but good

Watching my nieces for the past several days... taking care of two households (that includes my four children, my mother, my older teenage niece and lil "baby" nieces) for the past several days while lil sis has been out of town, has been really hectic. My fear of driving and being out and about in this city had to be overcome. I was not stressed out like I would usually be though. And the change was my being able to just do His will. I am sure it is His will to take care of those that need taking care of, so in that, I was able to handle everything with little to no anger or stress or frustration. So many things happened in the past several days that I know would've sent me over the edge a couple of weeks ago. Picking up, taking to work, helping because of car troubles in the middle of the night, missed buses, a night full of nightmares and no sleep, bed wetting, etc. But I did not get angry, angry like I used to. I got a little frustrated, but it was just surface. And no repression like I used to do. At some point, I think I even enjoyed the fact that I could do all that was needed and not even come close to breaking down. Thank you Lord. I've never understood nor experienced the Peace from fully "putting your burdens on Him" before. Wow, amazing.

Oh I am so happy :)

I just wanted to write before I go to bed that I am so happy that the sisters who commented on my previous posts took the time to visit here. Reading the comments made me smile ear to ear! :) I have been a little busy babysitting my nieces for the past 3 days, and I am so tired... I want to go and comment each lady back, but I think that I am not coherent enough at this moment. My heart is so full. Thank you ladies...

I found the words that I opened the Bible to that early Sunday morn...
(I have a TD Jakes Bible that has pages of devotions dispersed throughout)

Daughter of the Morning (Romans 13:11,12)

(11 And do this, knowing the time, that now it is high time to awake out of sleep; for now our salvation is nearer than when we first believed. 12 The night is far spent, the day is at hand. Therefore let us cast off the works of darkness, and let us put on the armor of light.)

Revival is more than a long meeting in a crowded church. People can meet for weeks and not experience revival. Revival occurs when that which was dead is brought back to life. It is the waking up of the cast down. You can have a revival in your spiritual life, your personal life, your financial life, or whatever part of you the enemy has rocked to sleep. Just call on the Prince of Peace. His name is Jesus.

He is the Prince who ignites what life has extinguished. His kiss can awaken the sleeping beauty. One kiss from Him can restore every area of your life, both natural and supernatural. He is the One who can walk into a room and speak to the romance that enemy is trying to kill. He says, "Damsel, arise!"

If you are in a catatonic state, it affects everyone with whom you are associated. They are waiting to see that there is another woman in you. She is neither timid nor afraid. She is not angry or insecure. She is whole. It is she who must be awakened. There is another woman in you, a gentler, softer, more loving, more giving woman who has been repressed by circumstances.

You need to be loosed and set free. there is another woman who has a key to your destiny. She is courageous and resilient, determined and assertive. The Word awakens that which should have been awake and puts to sleep some of the issues that should have retired a long time ago. This is the announcement that your soul has been waiting for. This is the announcement that releases you from the long night of repression and guilt. This is the announcement that the nation will feel. It is the blaring sound of an alarm clock shaking with the intensity of it's convictions.

To all of you who almost overslept, to all of you have shed tears and thought you'd missed your chance, to all of you who have ever felt that you were too deeply entrenched in sin, to the damsel whose hair has grayed and whose steps have faltered, to the college student whose willowy arms are full of books and whose heart is full of questions, to all lovely women, young and old, black and white, simply said, but firmly meant, Talitha cumi! "Arise little darling". It is morning!

I cry and feel so full even at writing it now.

No more whirring in my head

I am just so happy now... so many thoughts have just disappeared after I accepted and acknowledged the presence of the Lord back into my life. I see that I was struggling with my will to do it myself, and in seeing things through "my way" led to so many corrupted ways of thinking. It was a never ending chasing the tail.

Words/verses that I read last night and this morning:

From Gospel Pearls:
Don't you realize your can worship things or people by paying them too much attention? You can worship them by dedicating your life to impressing them, or by allowing their opinion to determine your self-worth or esteem. Those things are idols in your life.

John 16:31-33
Jesus answered them, "Do you now believe? Indeed the hour is coming, yes, has now come, that you will be scattered, each to his own, and will leave Me alone. And yet I am not alone, because the Father is with Me. These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world."

My nieces are asking me to spend some time with them over my shoulder, so I am having a hard time concentrating. I will write more later.

Much Peace.

Peace

I cannot describe what peace I am now feeling. When I try to think of a description, tears come to my eyes, no words. No fighting or struggling in my head, I just feel free. I feel a renewed sense that I can cope and that life is good. But it seems these words don't do describing this peace justice. It kind of feels like I never skipped a beat. And all those issues I was going to hash over and sort out... that need no longer exists. Thank you Lord for encompassing everything.

And thank you Mom for not giving up on me and for planting these "seeds" so I can be sustained from them now.

I also wanted to say a great big huge thank you to a blogger that I only emailed briefly several months ago, but her words and blog have impacted me greatly. Thank you so much for your kind and wise words Tiany.

Also of course to my great, great friend Miss Mone... Thank you sister.

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I am also participating in Tiany's Monday's Meanderings for the first time... a description from her blog...

"Monday Meanderings” is the perfect way to use your blog to keep you accountable to the most important part of your life, your “Home Life”! Simply pick 5 things each week that will better prepare you to tackle the week ahead!"

Really great idea to incorporate something that tends to take away from Home Life and help in balancing it out. Okay so here goes for my Monday Meanderings:

1. Bible Study/Devotions - I do not have a Bible Study or Devotional plan, so I am going to plan one and look around to find some ideas. I started by clicking on the Above Rubies link on Tiany's page and found this:

Two Blessing for the Home Pt. 2, No. 181

Jeremiah 6:16; “Thus saith the Lord, Stand ye in the ways and see, and ask for the old paths, where is the good way, and walk therein, and ye shall find rest for your souls, But they said, we will not walk therein.”

The second thing God wants shepherdesses to provide for their little flock is to lead them into REST.

What about rest? Does this mean the children can loaf around and do what they like? No, this is not talking about laziness. It is a rest of peacefulness. It is rest from tension and strife. The shepherdess leads her family into a restful atmosphere. Ezekiel 34:14 Knox says, “I will lead them into fair pastures, the high mountains of Israel shall be their feeding ground, the mountains of Israel, with soft grass for them to rest on.”

It is delightful to lie down in soft grass, isn’t it? Who can lie down in prickly grass? No one. The shepherdess/mother seeks to eradicate all prickliness from the atmosphere of her home. She works as a peacemaker against all contention. She leads her family to soft grass. It’s beckoning. It’s comfortable.

Of course, life is never perfect. There will always be conflicts to overcome in the home. There are often arguments and upsets. The enemy is always lurking around to disrupt the peace and make the grass prickly. But the shepherdess is also a watchwoman. She guards her family from the attacks of the enemy. She uses the weapon of intercession to push back the enemy of discord. She prays in the anointing of God’s Holy Spirit to put out the fires of discord and bring harmony and peace. I am often challenged by Proverbs 18:6 which says, “A fool’s lips enter into contention.” We can dissipate many conflicts if we bite our lips!

The shepherdess who safely folds her flock also makes sure everything is clean and in order in her home. It is difficult to rest in a home that is out of order.

We need to remind ourselves that God calls the home a resting place. Numbers 10:33 tells us that God went before the children of Israel to search out a resting place for them.

Proverbs 24:15 gives a strong warning to anyone who destroys the peace and rest of a godly home, “Lay not wait, O wicked man, against the dwelling of the righteous, spoil not his resting place.”
Isaiah 32:18, "My people will dwell in a peaceful habitation, in secure dwellings, and in quiet resting places.”
Hosea 11:11 Knox, “And in their own home, says the Lord, I will give them rest.”

May you live in rest in your home of rest.
Love from NANCY CAMPBELL

PRAYER:

“I pray, Lord, that you will help me to make the grass soft for my children to lie in. Help me to lead them away from prickly grass. Help me to create an atmosphere of rest. Amen.”

AFFIRMATION:

In meadows green we rest
Where the grass is soft to nest!

This definitely applies to some things are happening in our home right now. I really desire for our family to have healthier habits and be happy as themselves. But more on that in the "Train Them Up" section...


2. "Must Do" - This week I must:

• Organize where everyone is going to keep their personal items. (The kids recently moved back home)
• Update my Organization Folder (inspired by here)
  
• Start back up on my Routines and Fly Lady inspired schedules.
• Get dressed and make up bed right after I wake up
• Get my hair styles, hair grooming techniques/maintenance and clothing organized.
  

3. Zone - I don't have specific zone schedule set up, but my kitchen cabinets and drawers really need attention and under the bathroom sink.

4. Train Them Up - My kids are young adults and teenagers, but there are most definitely some areas that need to be addressed. But as being my kids are older, I do believe I need to start "teaching" by being an example. They already have some foundation, but we have all had a rough time of it and especially in the last 5 or 6 years. So I will update as to what comes up.

5. Menu Planning - I have been winging it for the past several weeks and it's been working out pretty good for us. But here is a little guide plan that I can look at during the week to work with:

Meals Suggestions


1) BBQ Chicken, white rice, mixed vegetables, mac n' cheese, white bread or corn bread

2) Meatloaf, mashed potatoes, sweet peas

3) Carne Asada, refried beans, spanish rice, potato salad, tortillas

4) Baked Chicken, mashed potatoes, mac n' cheese, cabbage, cornbread

5) Enchiladas, spanish rice, refried beans

6) Tacos, spanish rice, refried beans

7) Spaghetti w/ ground beef, salad, bread and butter

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Okay I think that is about it. Probably more to come later.