Self Esteem

[note: If you came here from Monday Meanderings at Tiany's, I accidentally linked to the wrong post... My Monday Meandering Post is here.]


My cousin is here visiting from the Bahamas this week. I am so happy to get the opportunity to see her as I have not seen her for about 10 years. Usually when family visits, something strange happens to me. I usually end up acting as someone other than myself. And after they leave, I usually feel sick in the pit of my stomach and start analyzing the whole situation, and end up beating myself for a while and then repress the whole event. Well this time, I am very happy that I am FULLY aware that this has been happening. So I just stuck with being myself. And I was able to see alot of things. I was able to see exactly where the bad feelings come from. They come from the interaction between my lil sis and me in relation to the visiting family. And from what I can now gather, it stems from issues of who is better... who is skinnier, who has more money, who has a better job, who's children are doing better. Craziness.

Well I still am feeling bad, but not as bad. My sister made little comments to me about my weight in front of our cousin and her friends that would have usually sent me spinning out of control, but this time I just shrugged my shoulders, because I did not know what to say. (She asked me how much I weight in front of everybody and then when I answered, looked at me as if I was lying, because my cousin and I weigh pretty much the same, but I guess don't look like it) Then when she would share stories about her babies we would all laugh, but when I shared stories about my children, my cousin and I would be laughing, but when I would look at my sister she would be looking at me with raised eyebrows not laughing. Wow, I am really glad I am writing this, because the bad feeling in the pit of my stomach is going away as I type. This morning I woke up feeling like crying and feeling bad about myself and it was all from this. Wow.

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I have been praying about an issue I have. Ummm it's kind of hard to really put my finger on, but I guess it could generally be called depression. So yesterday, I felt a really strong desire to call my dad, but I looked at the time and saw he was probably in church at that moment. And I also thought why, because I would probably end up getting off the phone feeling bad. I started to cry at that thought. But I brushed it off and just kept going about my daily business. I pretty much never watch "Christian" TV, but I thought I would give it a go. I ended up catching a sermon entitled "I want my daddy". (Wow, eh?) The preacher spoke on how a troubled relationship with a father affects so many aspects of one's life and colors one's perspective on God (not trusting, not believing). And he gave me food for thought on how to be able to truly let all the hurts and wounds carried around me for 30+ years go, and that God can fulfill all the needs I have put on my father, as he (my dad) is emotionally incapable to meet them. Thank you Lord. :)

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Now onto my Monday Meanderings...