Self Esteem

[note: If you came here from Monday Meanderings at Tiany's, I accidentally linked to the wrong post... My Monday Meandering Post is here.]


My cousin is here visiting from the Bahamas this week. I am so happy to get the opportunity to see her as I have not seen her for about 10 years. Usually when family visits, something strange happens to me. I usually end up acting as someone other than myself. And after they leave, I usually feel sick in the pit of my stomach and start analyzing the whole situation, and end up beating myself for a while and then repress the whole event. Well this time, I am very happy that I am FULLY aware that this has been happening. So I just stuck with being myself. And I was able to see alot of things. I was able to see exactly where the bad feelings come from. They come from the interaction between my lil sis and me in relation to the visiting family. And from what I can now gather, it stems from issues of who is better... who is skinnier, who has more money, who has a better job, who's children are doing better. Craziness.

Well I still am feeling bad, but not as bad. My sister made little comments to me about my weight in front of our cousin and her friends that would have usually sent me spinning out of control, but this time I just shrugged my shoulders, because I did not know what to say. (She asked me how much I weight in front of everybody and then when I answered, looked at me as if I was lying, because my cousin and I weigh pretty much the same, but I guess don't look like it) Then when she would share stories about her babies we would all laugh, but when I shared stories about my children, my cousin and I would be laughing, but when I would look at my sister she would be looking at me with raised eyebrows not laughing. Wow, I am really glad I am writing this, because the bad feeling in the pit of my stomach is going away as I type. This morning I woke up feeling like crying and feeling bad about myself and it was all from this. Wow.

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I have been praying about an issue I have. Ummm it's kind of hard to really put my finger on, but I guess it could generally be called depression. So yesterday, I felt a really strong desire to call my dad, but I looked at the time and saw he was probably in church at that moment. And I also thought why, because I would probably end up getting off the phone feeling bad. I started to cry at that thought. But I brushed it off and just kept going about my daily business. I pretty much never watch "Christian" TV, but I thought I would give it a go. I ended up catching a sermon entitled "I want my daddy". (Wow, eh?) The preacher spoke on how a troubled relationship with a father affects so many aspects of one's life and colors one's perspective on God (not trusting, not believing). And he gave me food for thought on how to be able to truly let all the hurts and wounds carried around me for 30+ years go, and that God can fulfill all the needs I have put on my father, as he (my dad) is emotionally incapable to meet them. Thank you Lord. :)

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Now onto my Monday Meanderings...

What's Really Goin On?

This anger I have been feeling for the past several days, I sincerely wanted to know where it was coming from. I did not want to have a beer and numb it away, so I didn't. I just told the kids and my friends that I was feeling grumpy and grouchy and to excuse me for anything I might say or do that may be uncalled for. Late last night I heard the word "rebellion". It has been my hardheadedness, stubbornness, my black and white extremist vision... I have so many questions about things. Things concerning the Bible and life. When I read the Bible, sometimes I just feel frustration, because I am not liking what I read. But I vow that this time, I will not just get angry and act out. Last night I prayed that God would give me the answers to the questions I have. I did however first indulge in my tendency to find out for myself. So of course I started hunting around on the internet. More frustration. I even decided to type in a "minister" that I use to look to for guidance, Juanita Bynum. As a matter of fact, her along with others (T.D. Jakes, Bishop Paul Morton, Eddie Long and more) were part of the reason I just gave up on what I took as Christianity at the time. There was a news story about her and her husband divorcing and that he beat and choked her in a parking lot. I would like to say I was amazed, but not really. And what I read that folks were saying about the whole incident, that it was a set up so that she could go on to add another "ministry" (domestic abuse) to her repertoire, it made sense. So I ended up reading about the rest of these "ministers" and saw so many things that I was not able to know when I left that whole thing alone 10 years ago. I am not happy that all that went on and is still going on, but I am happy that I had the common sense to leave. So after really seeing that looking to "man" is not the way, I knew that the answers would come directly to my heart and that I just need to wait and listen.

Also I really need to get a KJV Bible like I used to have when I was young. Right now I have a TD Jakes "Woman Thou Art Loosed" Bible and I would just like one that is just the words of the Bible, nothing else.

I found this verse this morning:

Hebrews 3:15

"while it is said:

"Today, if you will hear His voice,
Do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion."

Try again today

Yesterday was a bust as far as working on the to do list... but victorious on catchin up on sleep. :) After talking to my friend Mone, I told myself I was going to read a little and next thing I know, it was 8:30p. I got up disoriented and started to make a late late dinner of chicken enchiladas. Ate and promptly went back to sleep. People were having street races up down the street in front of our apartments last night. I kept waking up startled out of my sleep, not able to discern what the loud horrible screeching noises were. I believe they got into my dreams and made for some crazy funky ones. This morn I awoke with a funny feeling in my stomach. But it's a beautiful day outside and I am going to fling open all the windows and open the blinds and let the outside come in. :)

I was talking to my little sis late last night about things that are going on in her new relationship with her very first love. They recently reunited. And it got me to thinking how I view men. I view them as formidable opponents that I have to out think and be 3 steps ahead of, at least at first. Then when I decide they are worthy opponents, I just give up and turn into ditsy dummy. Everything just shuts down. All my thinking faculties, my common sense. I can see why I do this now. If I love a person (I equate love with some type of warfare and who I love has to be a warrior), I am afraid to see any of their faults. This has more to do with me than with them, I believe. If I see any faults it means I picked wrong. And that is something I could not even fathom considering. So I turn my brain off, so I won't see them. But of course I do, and this sends me down a road of denial that I have a hard time getting off of. But now... I have submitted to God first. And He is my Father and now I don't have to worry about doing any of that anymore. I now see that who I pick for my life is bound to be an not-whole person, because of my limited thinking and past experiences. And God has also fulfilled the needs I perceived my mate would fulfill... a shoulder to lean, someone to hear my troubles, someone to prop me up and encourage me in the hard times, someone to wipe my tears, someone to Love me no matter what. Also what I have always wanted in a father, but my father was unable to provide because of his own emotional scars. But now I can sincerely pray for my father without a hidden anger or resentment. It is funny, I always forget my father is a pastor of a church. And I get rather jealous that he is able to help others and not his own children. He is currently building a homeless shelter, community center and church in his hometown. Well now I can just pray about the whole thing and give it to God.

Hectic, but good

Watching my nieces for the past several days... taking care of two households (that includes my four children, my mother, my older teenage niece and lil "baby" nieces) for the past several days while lil sis has been out of town, has been really hectic. My fear of driving and being out and about in this city had to be overcome. I was not stressed out like I would usually be though. And the change was my being able to just do His will. I am sure it is His will to take care of those that need taking care of, so in that, I was able to handle everything with little to no anger or stress or frustration. So many things happened in the past several days that I know would've sent me over the edge a couple of weeks ago. Picking up, taking to work, helping because of car troubles in the middle of the night, missed buses, a night full of nightmares and no sleep, bed wetting, etc. But I did not get angry, angry like I used to. I got a little frustrated, but it was just surface. And no repression like I used to do. At some point, I think I even enjoyed the fact that I could do all that was needed and not even come close to breaking down. Thank you Lord. I've never understood nor experienced the Peace from fully "putting your burdens on Him" before. Wow, amazing.

Oh I am so happy :)

I just wanted to write before I go to bed that I am so happy that the sisters who commented on my previous posts took the time to visit here. Reading the comments made me smile ear to ear! :) I have been a little busy babysitting my nieces for the past 3 days, and I am so tired... I want to go and comment each lady back, but I think that I am not coherent enough at this moment. My heart is so full. Thank you ladies...

I found the words that I opened the Bible to that early Sunday morn...
(I have a TD Jakes Bible that has pages of devotions dispersed throughout)

Daughter of the Morning (Romans 13:11,12)

(11 And do this, knowing the time, that now it is high time to awake out of sleep; for now our salvation is nearer than when we first believed. 12 The night is far spent, the day is at hand. Therefore let us cast off the works of darkness, and let us put on the armor of light.)

Revival is more than a long meeting in a crowded church. People can meet for weeks and not experience revival. Revival occurs when that which was dead is brought back to life. It is the waking up of the cast down. You can have a revival in your spiritual life, your personal life, your financial life, or whatever part of you the enemy has rocked to sleep. Just call on the Prince of Peace. His name is Jesus.

He is the Prince who ignites what life has extinguished. His kiss can awaken the sleeping beauty. One kiss from Him can restore every area of your life, both natural and supernatural. He is the One who can walk into a room and speak to the romance that enemy is trying to kill. He says, "Damsel, arise!"

If you are in a catatonic state, it affects everyone with whom you are associated. They are waiting to see that there is another woman in you. She is neither timid nor afraid. She is not angry or insecure. She is whole. It is she who must be awakened. There is another woman in you, a gentler, softer, more loving, more giving woman who has been repressed by circumstances.

You need to be loosed and set free. there is another woman who has a key to your destiny. She is courageous and resilient, determined and assertive. The Word awakens that which should have been awake and puts to sleep some of the issues that should have retired a long time ago. This is the announcement that your soul has been waiting for. This is the announcement that releases you from the long night of repression and guilt. This is the announcement that the nation will feel. It is the blaring sound of an alarm clock shaking with the intensity of it's convictions.

To all of you who almost overslept, to all of you have shed tears and thought you'd missed your chance, to all of you who have ever felt that you were too deeply entrenched in sin, to the damsel whose hair has grayed and whose steps have faltered, to the college student whose willowy arms are full of books and whose heart is full of questions, to all lovely women, young and old, black and white, simply said, but firmly meant, Talitha cumi! "Arise little darling". It is morning!

I cry and feel so full even at writing it now.