Try again today

Yesterday was a bust as far as working on the to do list... but victorious on catchin up on sleep. :) After talking to my friend Mone, I told myself I was going to read a little and next thing I know, it was 8:30p. I got up disoriented and started to make a late late dinner of chicken enchiladas. Ate and promptly went back to sleep. People were having street races up down the street in front of our apartments last night. I kept waking up startled out of my sleep, not able to discern what the loud horrible screeching noises were. I believe they got into my dreams and made for some crazy funky ones. This morn I awoke with a funny feeling in my stomach. But it's a beautiful day outside and I am going to fling open all the windows and open the blinds and let the outside come in. :)

I was talking to my little sis late last night about things that are going on in her new relationship with her very first love. They recently reunited. And it got me to thinking how I view men. I view them as formidable opponents that I have to out think and be 3 steps ahead of, at least at first. Then when I decide they are worthy opponents, I just give up and turn into ditsy dummy. Everything just shuts down. All my thinking faculties, my common sense. I can see why I do this now. If I love a person (I equate love with some type of warfare and who I love has to be a warrior), I am afraid to see any of their faults. This has more to do with me than with them, I believe. If I see any faults it means I picked wrong. And that is something I could not even fathom considering. So I turn my brain off, so I won't see them. But of course I do, and this sends me down a road of denial that I have a hard time getting off of. But now... I have submitted to God first. And He is my Father and now I don't have to worry about doing any of that anymore. I now see that who I pick for my life is bound to be an not-whole person, because of my limited thinking and past experiences. And God has also fulfilled the needs I perceived my mate would fulfill... a shoulder to lean, someone to hear my troubles, someone to prop me up and encourage me in the hard times, someone to wipe my tears, someone to Love me no matter what. Also what I have always wanted in a father, but my father was unable to provide because of his own emotional scars. But now I can sincerely pray for my father without a hidden anger or resentment. It is funny, I always forget my father is a pastor of a church. And I get rather jealous that he is able to help others and not his own children. He is currently building a homeless shelter, community center and church in his hometown. Well now I can just pray about the whole thing and give it to God.