What's Really Goin On?

This anger I have been feeling for the past several days, I sincerely wanted to know where it was coming from. I did not want to have a beer and numb it away, so I didn't. I just told the kids and my friends that I was feeling grumpy and grouchy and to excuse me for anything I might say or do that may be uncalled for. Late last night I heard the word "rebellion". It has been my hardheadedness, stubbornness, my black and white extremist vision... I have so many questions about things. Things concerning the Bible and life. When I read the Bible, sometimes I just feel frustration, because I am not liking what I read. But I vow that this time, I will not just get angry and act out. Last night I prayed that God would give me the answers to the questions I have. I did however first indulge in my tendency to find out for myself. So of course I started hunting around on the internet. More frustration. I even decided to type in a "minister" that I use to look to for guidance, Juanita Bynum. As a matter of fact, her along with others (T.D. Jakes, Bishop Paul Morton, Eddie Long and more) were part of the reason I just gave up on what I took as Christianity at the time. There was a news story about her and her husband divorcing and that he beat and choked her in a parking lot. I would like to say I was amazed, but not really. And what I read that folks were saying about the whole incident, that it was a set up so that she could go on to add another "ministry" (domestic abuse) to her repertoire, it made sense. So I ended up reading about the rest of these "ministers" and saw so many things that I was not able to know when I left that whole thing alone 10 years ago. I am not happy that all that went on and is still going on, but I am happy that I had the common sense to leave. So after really seeing that looking to "man" is not the way, I knew that the answers would come directly to my heart and that I just need to wait and listen.

Also I really need to get a KJV Bible like I used to have when I was young. Right now I have a TD Jakes "Woman Thou Art Loosed" Bible and I would just like one that is just the words of the Bible, nothing else.

I found this verse this morning:

Hebrews 3:15

"while it is said:

"Today, if you will hear His voice,
Do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion."

Title

Someone to talk to... that's seems a little needy to me. But I guess I am feeling a little needy when it comes to self expression. My poor friend who I constantly bombard with my up and down roller coaster of emotions... at least she will get a little reprieve with my utilizing this. So I will keep it, vulnerability may be what the doc ordered in this case.

High & Low

I've been looking high and low for a blog that represents some identity issues I have... to find someone, anyone who feels like I do. All I have found are the regular "boxes" that everyone on the net seems to find popular. Here's my quandry...

I am a 41 year old woman struggling with peer pressure. I mean seriously. I am not really impressed with society today. I am inclined to like things that my friends kindly call "country". All these years I have given in to the notion that something was wrong with me and I was a late bloomer and needed to get with the modern program. But I am sick of that... literally sick of living that lie and all the crap that came of it, that I didn't really want in the first place. Ulcers, skin problems, allergies, depression... just a few of the ailments. Also I am not specifically religious in the sense of belonging to a group or religion. I am spiritual. I believe in God, but not in any way that appears limiting to me. However... I am very interested in Friends, Quakers, Mennonites, Amish. I am currently hashing this out and finding exactly what it is that I like about these groups. I especially like their apparel, but I don't see myself in their dress. I am also interested in community lifestyles, but not communes... I have been called a hippy and at times was cool with that label, but from what experience I have had I am not quite sure I can agree with that label for me. Oh and did I fail to mention I am (as far a society's classification) a black woman. Hmmmm... that puts an ever sharper spin on this whole thing, eh? Actually I have many different strains of various peoples DNA running through my body and many different ancestral traditions. African (recently found out Nigerian... Yoruba to be exact), Choctaw, Cherokee, Polish, French, Scottish, Seminole, Blackfoot... and others I apologize to my ancestors for leaving out. I want a farm, but I don't want to put myself in a community where I am a token or worse, persecuted. I love to cook and quilt and sew and sit around talking with my family. I love to camp, fish and love horses. I can't stand what the internet has become, but here I am... a former I.T. Systems Analyst writing a blog. Watching TV makes my stomach hurt with all the subliminal, psychological messages at every turn. So...

I guess this is my little personal secret blog that I write for me to have somewhere to express myself and maybe someone will come along that will feel some of this and then can help in breaking the spell of feeling so alone and with no one to talk to.